I’m starting my day out with The Rascals, “A Beautiful Morning.” I also went running this morning with my partner in crime, Leo.
I love early morning runs as the sun is just coming up. Everything is so peaceful and serene. I’m anxiously awaiting the arrival of my mother and grandmother today. They will be my guests tomorrow night at the Scholarship Banquet. It means a lot to me that they will be there…
I had a dream last night about my father, which prompted my early morning run today to think more clearly about it. My father died almost 12 years ago, and I really didn’t know him that well at the time. I was 12 years old then, and not yet interested in getting to know my parents. I had my step-dad anyway, who had married my mom when I was five years old. He starred as “dad” in my everyday life. However, I did love my father and it did hurt in a way I cannot express with words when I realized I missed my chance to know him. In my dream, we were sitting in a coffee shop just talking. I have probably only had three dreams in my life that I can remember of him, so this is a big deal to me. I was telling him that I was angry he wouldn’t be here to see me graduate, or see anything I accomplish. He answered “Well you are the one that never talks to me. How can I be there for you if you don’t let me in?” He was very calm and patient as I explained myself. I gave him a run down of my life up to this point. We told each other that we loved each other. I told him I would talk to him more.
When my alarm clock went off, I opened my eyes and smiled. I have been waiting for a long time to hear his voice again. As I ran the various blocks in my neighborhood past sleeping houses and blooming flowers, I realized what that dream meant to my heart. I was letting go of my anger and resentment and welcoming that part of my guarded self to open up again. I’m not very religious and I can’t say I know what happens when we die. But I do know when I take the stage at my graduation, he will be there. I also know he’s listening for me.
The last seven years of my undergrad have been a journey, to say the least! I am grateful for the wonderful close to this chapter- as it is completely full of love, laughter, wisdom, and the most awesome people on the planet. Here is a picture of my father in the way that I like to remember him, a total goof ball. Also, never mind the fact that I’m eating out of what looks eerily similar to a cat food dish. In my parents defense, it was the 80’s…. maybe everyone did that? 😉
Have a great day!